thisiswhatisee

Meager accomplishments...

2007-04-17T15:26:00.000-07:00

The sum total of my artistic work today...four prints. I can't believe how long it took me to get the scans and colors right on these. It reminded me of a somewhat frustrating day in the darkroom, without the chemicals!

I'm in a limbo these days...and there's good reason...but limbo it remains. Part of it is just who I am, and how I get caught up...and the intensity with which my attention gets focused. The hardest part is to withhold judgment of myself...that which says I'm lazy and disorganized and whatever... *sigh*

It IS a lovely day...despite the weird start to the week (so sad...). Life does go on...Caspar needs a walk, dinner needs to get fixed, Julian is testing tonight at aikido...and somewhere in there I need to remember all the beauty too.

Photo mania...

2007-04-16T20:58:00.000-07:00

Well, not really, I guess. Besides, that sounds like some kind of psychological disorder of craziness upon exposure to the sun!! But...I've had periods of manic shooting lately...with a certain intensity that it's made me wonder a bit about my mental state.

Actually, I have a theory... With everything else that's been going on in the household and the degree to which my attention has been focused and on what...I think some ideas have hit me hard and fast and I've acted on them, as a way of letting pent up energy out. In any case, even as strange as it seems, I have no complaints about getting new ideas and putting them into action. But it won't last...these things ebb and flow I realize.

This is possibly the singular succussful image from a roll of 35mm color film I put in the Holga. Many of the shots were way overexposed or maybe they just didn't scan well. In any case, the colors were way trippy and while they may be appealing to some folks, they aren't really to me.

Jazzschool concert...

2007-04-15T09:39:00.000-07:00

" Baise-Straight Ahead"...Julian on tenor

Mingus's "Moanin'"...Aaron Lington (coordinator for Jazz studies at San Jose State University) on bari

Mingus's "Moanin'"...Aaron Lington on bari, Julian on tenor, Mike Galisatus on trumpet and Liana on bass

...

2007-04-14T08:12:00.000-07:00

It's not like this today...it's actually starting to rain. Not sure if we'll have aikido practice in the park if this keeps up (I really kind of wanted it...but not in the rain...).

I'm still tired....I'm waiting to be un-tired...maybe I should just accept that tiredness is pretty much my natural state anymore...*sigh*

...

2007-04-13T11:03:00.000-07:00

I'm tired. I'm worried...about everyone around me (it seems everyday brings up a new issue...large or small...with those I love). I'm fighting off my fears and trying to realize that things change and then they change again...and just move through all this. It's hard when I'm battling my own issues (physical) to keep mentally chipper...ya know? At the same time, it's like they say...I know it builds character and strength.

I think it must be hard to develop compassion when you haven't suffered yourself. Those people who exude compassion and kindness even though life has been gentle with them...maybe they've paid their dues in the past, some time beyond current memory.

Anyway...

A beautiful morning...

2007-04-12T09:49:00.000-07:00

I really have no complaints this morning. It's a beautiful day, Matt's getting out of the hospital, and I got the rare opportunity to sleep in. There's always a long list of to-do's but what gets done will get done and what doesn't will wait.

There's a bit of running around this morning which will kind of shoot the day...but that's okay too.

I'm thinking within the next couple weeks I need to begin preparation of work for the Open Studios in June. A good sized selection of small works will be my best bet...and I think potentially a lot of fun too.

The art world continues to to mystify me at times, but in the end I have to have the confidence in expressing myself with genuineness and integrity (even if I question whether it merits worth or is liked by others...but of course it would be nice if it would be liked by others!!).

A decent day...

2007-04-11T20:09:00.000-07:00

After some morning rain the sky cleared to wonderful clouds and blue sky. I made two trips to the hospital and am happy to report that Matt's doing really well. Tomorrow he'll very happily return home.

And...it's always a good day when the bread rises well! Sensei's sourdough started made for a really tasty loaf with great texture.

Mixed holiday metaphors?

2007-04-11T06:36:00.000-07:00

Julian's skull and crossbones and Laurel's zombie eggs. We got a little carried away with the egg decorating this year!!

Mysterious...

2007-04-10T06:18:00.000-07:00

Maybe that puts a more positive spin on, well, confusion!

Life can be like that...a lot. Predicaments arise that are just very difficult to understand. I've heard that a good way to look at such situations (which are more often than not) is with curiousity, rather than aversion. And it does seem true that those things that are confusing and even sometimes frustrating, can also be strangely beautiful...

Ah well, so much for my early morning musings... I'm sure it will be another day of back and forth to the hospital and I'm very curious to see how things will go!

Monday...

2007-04-09T21:04:00.000-07:00

My day was spent going back and forth to the hospital. First to take Matt and wait till they were ready for him...then back and forth with the kids a couple times. Everything went without any major glitches and Matt will be resting well tonight, I hope. Tomorrow they'll get him up on his new hip and will go from there.

I'm a little strung out myself, being the last few days have been a bit of a whirlwind of activity. I processed some negatives today...and scanned them...and quite frankly am feeling rather bleh about them and anything artistic. One thing that I notice drastically reduces my enthusiasm and confidence with my artwork...is fatigue. So...hopefully I can address my tiredness and then feel better in general about my images.

quiet...

2007-04-08T17:03:00.000-07:00

The family came...and went...and in between enjoyed good food and conversation. I'm grateful for the pleasurable time together.

I'm tired now...but anxious. Tomorrow will be an interesting day, given Matt's hip replacement surgery. He's never been in surgery...and the only times I've ever experienced the hospital personally have been the births of my two kids (which were kind of surgeries, beign c-sections). Tonight, he'll pack a little kit and we'll drive over there in the morning. I'll leave him, after I see him off into the hands of the doctor. Since the surgery is likely to last a few hours, and he'll be out of it until evening, the doctor seemed to recommend simply getting a hold of me via cell phone when he finishes.

I have all sorts of emotions and thoughts floating around, but in my gut I feel confident that all will work out well.

Perhaps Easter is a good time for something like this...auspicious.

Before Easter...

2007-04-07T08:01:00.000-07:00

I've begun early today, preparing for brunch for the family tomorrow. Easter doesn't signify much to me anymore, other than triggering memories from childhood. I do, however, appreciate the idea of rebirth and renewal.

My folks, however, value this holiday highly. I guess in the Catholic calendar, this is THE most significant holy day of the year. As it was, no one had vounteered to host anything this Easter. Everyone is busy and tried to do visiting early...but the idea of my parents being alone for this day (well, just not with family...since they live in an assisted living community they're never really alone) didn't set right with me. I know it's meaningful for them...and given their age, the time for me to do things for them is limited...so, I'm it. And, of course, it didn't seem right to exclude the rest of the family. Although there's work and logistics involved, I know these things always work out well and everyone has a good time...it's really a pleasure.

This post will probably be added to as the day goes on...chronicling the prep. Thus far, the sourdough sponge is working away....the bread being the one thing that will most likely be an all day endeavor (although it does a lot of the work on its own)... More later (I hope)...

Almost mid-day and the rye bread dough is all kneaded...

Next I'm off to make the babka dough...maybe hard cook a couple dozen eggs at the same time...

For the first time ever (in the 20 some years I've been baking this babka) I used saffron in the dough and completely skipped the vanilla. It's going to make for a wonderfully golden crumb I believe...

And...

...the eggs are cooked and cooled and waiting to dye...and the horseradish and beet relish made. So...things are slowly getting done...

I'm done for tonight... The bread and babka both turned out well (the saffron is SO good in the cake!). Food is ready for final preparations in the morning...which I need to start early since I didn't get ANY cleaning done today. Lastly, I'll leave you with the egg decorating pics. It tickles me that teenagers can still get into this (well, even the adults joined in...but unfortunately Caspar could not ;) ).

Piling it on...

2007-04-06T10:21:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to see that all of the stuff life is piling on right now...is just stuff. Why should it feel any different than a cascade of flowers descending on me? What's the difference anyway? It's just stuff, it's dealt with and I move on.

While I can understand all this intellectually (and even as a child I would trick myself into moving through school work in the same way...telling myself if I wasn't doing that work I'd just being *doing* something else)...sometimes I lack the energy to incorporate it wholly into my being. Or maybe I lack that ability because I expend so much energy fighting what simply is.

Still, this age I am in in my womanhood seems incredibly taxing and it might behoove me to be gentle with myself...whenever and however I am able. It's not a bad idea to nurture one's self, in any case.

And in other news...
I took some digital images of this flower stalk (rhubarb, in my garden) and this Holga image would've been perfect (taken using the close up filter) except that the back of the camera had slipped off at one point. One whole frame was completely milky, from light exposure. This frame is about 1/3 exposed to that light and hence has a prominent light leak...but I still like the image, strangely enough.

mother/daughter

2007-04-05T17:24:00.000-07:00

We share a bond....I'm convinced....on both a cellular and psychic level.

journey

2007-04-05T09:26:00.000-07:00

power

2007-04-03T21:20:00.000-07:00

I've had my rhubarb plant for a few years...I think this is the third. Every year when it comes out of its winter dormancy, there's a lovely, round bud that emerges first...creamy white and pink. This year, I was very surprised to see that instead of the unfurling leaves coming forth, there is what appears to be a flower bud stalk thrusting upward. This thing is so big and strange looking, it's positively primeval...and very cool!

more...

2007-04-02T08:30:00.000-07:00

To expand with the landscape
feel the curves of the hills
and the moist softness of the fog

Let my emotions spread out
be mellowed and ripened
as they seep down into the earth

California spring...

2007-04-01T08:46:00.000-07:00

Seeing the Moon
By Shunryu Suzuki, Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind

A Zen poem says, "After the wind stops I see a flower falling. Because of the singing bird I find the mountain calmness." Before something happens in the realm of calmness, we do not feel the calmness; only when something happens within it do we find the calmness. There is a Japanese saying, "For the moon; there is the cloud. For the flower there is the wind." When we see a part of the moon covered by a cloud, or a tree, or a weed, we feel how round the moon is. But when we see the clear moon without anything covering it, we do not feel that roundness the same way we do when we see it through something else. When you are doing zazen, you are within the complete calmness of your mind; you do not feel anything. You just sit. But the calmness of your sitting will encourage you in your everyday life.... Even though you do not feel anything when you sit, if you do not have this zazen experience, you cannot find anything; you just find weeds, or trees, or clouds in your daily life; you do not see the moon.

********************************************************************

I will not claim to sit zazen. I do sit to meditate, to watch my breath...on an irregular basis. When I do it more often...things seem better, life is a little more centered. It would be good to do it more often...

I hang my show in the Cerrito theater today. I'm pleased with the pieces. I'm not sure everyone will like them...some being blurry and a little abstract. Still...I like them and I like the direction in which my photography is going and that's what's important.

There's a little too much going on right now for my taste. One event seems to collide into another. On the other hand, I could do a much better job at living in an organized fashion. Body and mind and spirit, however, sometimes conspire to make such organization difficult for me... I'm willing to accept and allow that this is simply where I am at this time in my life.

two as one...

2007-03-31T09:09:00.000-07:00

Citta

In Pali, heart and mind are one word (citta), but in English we have to differentiate between the two to make the meaning clear. When we attend to the mind, we are concerned with the thinking process and the intellectual understanding that derives from knowledge, and with our ability to retain knowledge and make use of it. When we speak of the "heart" we think of feelings and emotions, our ability to respond with our fundamental being. Although we may believe that we are leading our lives according to our thinking process, that is not the case. If we examine this more closely, we will find that we are leading our lives according to our feelings and that our thinking is dependent upon our feelings. The emotional aspect of ourselves is of such great importance that its purification is the basis for a harmonious and peaceful life, and also for good meditation. --Ayya Khema, When the Iron Eagle Flies

I try....everyday...to purify the emotional aspect of my being. Or perhaps...I simply try to not indulge in those emotions that smack of self-centeredness and limit my ability to be compassionate. It's hard. I hate it sometimes, in fact, because the struggle is just so great it feels as if it will break me (even though I don't really know what that would mean).

It's hard to navigate changes. It's easy to get used to things being a certain way...particularly if that way is pleasant. Still...I make the effort to allow for change, because there simply seems to be no choice (for one thing), but more importantly because I know it will help me to become a better person. I know I should be content with the person I am in this moment (really, this moment is the only reality) and I try not to make it a judgment type thing. Ultimately, I know I will be happier, or at least more content and at peace, if I can make this journey count.

sigh...

2007-03-30T20:51:00.000-07:00

I had a lot of thoughts last night and this morning...things I would write about. Too tired now, though...so if they're worthwhile, I'm sure they'll resurface another time.

In the meanwhile...enjoy the pansies...

Fixing food...

2007-03-29T11:50:00.000-07:00

...it has, at times, become a chore...another thing I need to do...over and over again...for other people. But inavariably, I come back to the place where working with food, not just eating it, is nourishing for ME. There is great satisfaction in the ability to be able to prepare food with integrity and joy. There is a sense of connection to the earth and the web of life that becomes unmistakably apparent when using whole unprocessed ingredients.

My garden is, as yet, in disarray. There is, however, an ever producing stand of herbs that continue to supply me with abundant flavor, healing elements and energy...no matter how little I tend the plants.

And even the air supplied me with the yeast to make sourdough bread! The starter itself seemed a bit weak, even after four days of leaving it be, but once I fed it more flour before making the dough itself, it really woke up.

A peasant meal I guess, is what we had... Cabbage/apple salad, warm lentil salad with olives and herbs, sliced mozzarella cheese and homemade bread. But honestly, it can't get much better than that...

Pansies...

2007-03-28T13:25:00.000-07:00

When I went to buy paint for my new work space, I also wandered around the garden section of the hardware store. These pansies called to me and now they're all bedded down in front of the house.

There energy of spring is so wonderful. All the new blooms and fresh green of young leaves radiates incredible life force.

And speaking of life force, I made a new sourdough starter this week...gathered yeast from the air...and now I have a batch of bread dough rising on the stove. Sourdough is usually a very long rise, so I'm not sure if the bread will be ready for dinner. In any case, when the baking happens the house will smell great!

Green tea and seeds...

2007-03-27T09:08:00.000-07:00

I've always known how important proper nutrition and healthy lifestyle are for health and happiness. I was never terribly fanatical, though. However, my body is now at a critical juncture and it seems the more I nourish and nurture myself the better.

I found this great little mix of lightly roasted and salted pine nuts, pumpkin seeds and slivered almonds. Goes very well with green tea.

I see the physical therapist for my shoulder(s) tomorrow. I look forward to a plan, to something I can DO to help my body heal (or whatever it is it needs to do). Over the years there's been this tendency for me to see myself as somewhat frail...but I'm not...and the body is incredibly resilient given the right conditions.

As I age, I'm not so concerned that I look younger or beautiful or whatever. I AM very concerned, however, that I remain as fit as possible to do all the things that are important for me to do...to create, to grow, to give and love.

Choosing beauty...

2007-03-23T10:17:00.000-07:00

For the most part, I make the effort to maintain a positive attitude. In my heart, the most important thing for me in this life is to grow in awareness and compassion. There are times, however, when circumstances conspire (internal and external, physical and mental, etc.) so that I feel a little crumbling within...disappointment, sadness, melancholy. It's hard to discern whether I'm opening to reality and that crumbling feeling is a crack towards the light...or whether conditioning and desire are overwhelming my heart with weeds of discontent.

In moments like this...when that sensation in the middle of my chest is all too palpable...something that seems to help is simply to choose beauty. There is always beauty, somewhere, and when I choose to see it in the moment that I'm experiencing, those other thoughts that cause the crumbling-ness in my chest are more apt to flow on by. It's not a matter of ignoring unwanted emotions, because they simply are. But a nod of the head, an awareness of their presence, need not mean they take over the moment in which I am. In the grand scheme of things there is far more beauty in all its variations...it is by far more expansive and engaging...why not choose it?

19 years old...

2007-03-22T09:42:00.000-07:00

Wow...yeah...where DID those 19 years go!!

Laurel is growing into an amazing woman...smart and beautiful. I'm very grateful to have her as my daughter...I learn a lot about myself through our relationship.

Happy Birthday Laurel!!

It's that time...

2007-03-21T10:11:00.000-07:00

...spring time...time to start anew and fresh. So went and had my hair cut off the other day. It's at least one thing I can do that I have some control over! But maybe control in any form is just delusion anyway...lol.

But it's the first day of spring and the sun is warm and the energy is moving in good directions (or at least I'm going to choose to move MY energy in good directions!).

Folsom Lake mountain bike race...

2007-03-18T18:26:00.000-07:00

We had another lovely day for Julian's second mountain bike race today. Since the drive was about an hour less, and the arrival time was an hour later than last time, our wake up time was at least semi-decent.

The drive was okay...uneventful...but tiring for me. Since our numbers were increased, we took two cars...and Caspar (the dog) got to join us (and had a wonderful time!).

I shot a couple rolls of b/w film...and almost a whole roll of color. At first I thought I'd be able to jump right in to processing as soon as getting home. But after unloading and all that entails, I'm just not good for it today.

The terrain was typical California...with rolling hills and live oaks...and this time of year, beautiful spring green grasses. Another month or two and it will be a lot dryer and more brown.

I had the silly notion that I'd study my terms for aikido testing...but that didn't last long. There was far less sitting around than I anticipated...and that's okay too.

Into a new season...

2007-03-16T09:37:00.000-07:00

Find Enjoyment In Transience

We make every effort to keep things as they are, because human beings, alone, lament transience. Yet no matter how we grieve or protest, there is no way to impede the flow of anything. If we but see things as they are and flow with them, we may find enjoyment in transience. Because human life is transient, all manner of figures are woven into its fabric.

--Shundo Aoyama, Zen Seeds

Even though I haven't always internalized the concepts of these quotes, I see their value on a very real level. I hope someday to live with the flow...without the fierce resistence to life at it is that I often express internally (if not externally).

It's spring, though, and a time for great hope...a time to jump into that wonderful surge of energy that's beginning to flow!

2007-03-15T09:21:00.000-07:00

If you are a poet, you will see clearly that there is a cloud floating in this sheet of paper. Without a cloud, there will be no rain; without rain, the trees cannot grow; and without trees, we cannot make paper. The cloud is essential for the paper to exist. If the cloud is not here, the sheet of paper cannot be here either. So we can say that the cloud and the paper inter-are. "Interbeing" is a word that is not in the dictionary yet, but if we combine the prefix "Inter-" with the verb "to be," we have a new verb, inter-be...

Looking even more deeply, we can see ourselves in this sheet of paper too. This is not difficult to see, because when we look at a sheet of paper, it is part of our perception. Your mind is in here and mine is also. So we can say that everything is in here with this sheet of paper. We cannot point out one thing that is not here--time, space, the earth, the rain, the minerals in the soil, the sunshine, the cloud, the river, the heat. Everything co-exists with this sheet of paper.

--Thich Nhat Hanh, Peace Is Every Step

Once more...words fail me...and these are better anyway...

2007-03-14T09:38:00.000-07:00

The habit of ignoring our present moments in favor of others yet to come leads directly to a pervasive lack of awareness of the web of life in which we are embedded. This includes a lack of awareness and understanding of our own mind and how it influences our perceptions and our actions. It severely limits our perspective on what it means to be a person and how we are connected to each other and the world around us. Religion has traditionally been the domain of such fundamental inquiries within a spiritual framework, but mindfulness has little to do with religion, except in the most fundamental meaning of the word, as an attempt to appreciate the deep mystery of being alive and to acknowledge being vitally connected to all that exists. --Jon Kabat-Zinn, Wherever You Go, There You Are

I wanted to write something of my own here today...something about spring and new growth, but I can't seem to find it in me. I found the above in a daily dharma mailing I get...I thought it fit well for me in this moment. And so....

New growth...

2007-03-10T10:46:00.000-08:00

A lama feeding the cows...

2007-03-08T06:00:00.000-08:00

I came out of the barn and smiled at him and he told me the cows liked apples. I had seen him when I was walking up to the farm...he was slightly ahead of me and had glanced back for a moment. We parted ways when I went to look at the poultry.

So...after he told me a bit about the cows (which I gathered he'd visited before), I asked him if he was monk. Although his trousers looked average, his shirt was telltale ocher color and there was something about his vest and cap that tipped me off. He said, "I'm a lama."

I asked him if he lived in the area and he answered in the affirmative...I asked "Berkeley?" and he answered, "Yes, Berkeley." He asked where I was from and I told him California and that I lived nearby. He asked if I'd ever been to India, and I said no, but that I had wanted to go...and perhaps will someday. All the while he was feeding the cows apples and then some oranges and tangerines (I didn't know they liked citrus...peels and all!!).

He asked me if I'd been to the east coast, and I could say "Yes!" since, well, I had just been there the previous fall (for the first time since I was a child). "People don't travel much," he then told me. It surprised him, it seemed. "I was talking to some friends who have never been to New York!!" he said with chagrin.

Shortly after that, I bid him a good afternoon. I don't know what it was, but I felt really happy after talking to him. It didn't so much matter what we talked about, I think, but just the fact that it felt so natural and so kind and harmonious. There was no pretense, there was just the cows and the fruit and two people connecting in the way that people can...in a good way.

:)

Mountain Bike Race...

2007-03-05T08:09:00.000-08:00

Julian before the race...

We took Julian, Miho and Marika to their first mountain bike race on Sunday. The EC team is very supportive of each other and it was really cool to see how supportive all the teams are of other teams as well.

Cheering Miho on...

It was a long drive down to Monterey...about 2-1/2 hours. Actually, the drive itself wasn't bad, just the fact that we had to be there by 8:15! There was a pretty sunrise along the way, however, and we passed a couple spots I'd forgotten about and want to return to for some shooting.

Everyone is still recovering today...very tired and spent. But I know the kids had a blast and so it's all good.

Subtlety...

2007-03-01T10:07:00.000-08:00

This picture has garnered very little attention on flickr...but I happen to love it. The backdrop of the dreamy, blurry clouds...the density of the twisted flags...and most of all, the two little threads rising up together. Maybe my favorite stuff is just too subtle for the masses...maybe I just have an odd vision...eh...whatever...

In other news...life goes on... You know, I really, really love the blogs that have something to say. I love to read about the experiences and observations of others. And I always have this desire to write like that...but I guess it's just not in me to do so at this point in time. And I guess that's okay too...

Jazzschool Studio Band

2007-02-26T11:34:00.000-08:00

Jazzschool Studio Band
Originally uploaded by aikithereska.

The proceeds from this concert are going towards the students' participation in the Hertiage Jazz festival in NYC, Memorial Day weekend. This is the group that, in essence, Julian has been playing with for the third year now...with the director that has infused a love of jazz in all the students.

Julian and a couple of the other students from this band will also being playing at Mercury 20's opening this Friday: www.mercurytwenty.com/upcoming/upcoming.html . A print of this image www.flickr.com/photos/thisiswhatisee/360625491/in/set-721... will be in the group show in back.

Paczki...

2007-02-20T21:29:00.000-08:00

Originally uploaded by aikithereska.

So...a few folks over at flickr asked me for the recipe for these.

5 1/2 C unbleached flour
3/4 C sugar
1/2 C butter
4 eggs
1 1/2 C milk (brought just to a boil then let cool to warm)
1/4 C warm water
1 T dry yeast
1 t vanilla
1/2 t salt
rind from one orange

Let yeast soak in warm water until the mixture is bubbly.

Mix 2 cups of flour with the milk and then add yeast mixture. Stir well and set this sponge to rise in a warm place (it will be the thickness of pancake batter).

In the mean time, whisk eggs with salt, sugar, vanilla and orange rind. Let the butter get very soft, but not melted.

When the sponge has risen and not quite doubled (this can take anywhere from 10 minutes to half an hour) stir it down and add egg mixture, beating it in well with a wooden spoon. Add a cup of flour and beat again and then add softened butter. Add the last two and half cups of flour, a cup at a time.

Now comes the messy part...get your hand in there (I don't use two hands, because one hand needs to hold the bowl still!) and beat and knead the dough. This will feel different than bread dough because it should be soft and sticky...but not wet. Keep kneading the dough until it starts to look satiny and pull away from the side of the bowl. I usually end up kneading the dough about 10 minutes or so.

Set aside in a warm place to rise...one or two hours depending on conditions.

When the dough has risen about three or four times in volume, it's ready to be punched down.

Since this is very sticky, I flour my board VERY well before placing half the dough on the board. Gently roll out the dough to about half inch thickness. Cut in rounds of about 2-1/2" diameter. Place a spoonfull of jam in each round and pinch the dough together around the jam (this takes a little practice). Place the raw paczki on a floured cloth and cover with another cloth and let rise for about 20 minutes.

While the paczki are rising, heat oil in a deep frying to 350F.

When the oil is ready and paczki all risen, fry them about four or five at a time in the oil, turning them over once as soon as the first side gets browned and let the other side brown, then remove with a slotted spoon to a tray lined with paper towels and let cool. Dust with powder sugar.

That's it!! Um...I think.

I've been using this recipe for years and it took me some time to be consistenly successful. It's not hard, but does take time and patience...but it IS worth it!

Food is a wonderful way for me to connect with my ancestral heritage, especially with those I didn't get the chance to really know...like my Babcia, my mother's mother.

The body holga...

2007-02-17T14:13:00.000-08:00

I love the way double exposures can express more than just a corporeal form when the human body is the subject. By layering the body with another image, there is the sense that we are deeper and richer than our physical encasement. Still, it's up to the viewer...some people still only see skin deep.

Solitude...

2007-02-15T08:13:00.000-08:00

When all is said and done, the artist's path is one of solitary efforts. The world and those around us are most certainly influences, but in the end we are alone in our studios, our darkrooms, with our writing tools. Even those artist's on stage have to find their expression within themselves and only through themselves, for anything else would be too obviously less than genuine.

Maybe I'm just getting too old to waste my energy on valuing the opinions of others. If *I* am excited about something I create...if I get that rush of energy when viewing a print after taking into the light for the first time...that's all that really matters. And this is a hard place to come to, and isn't arrived at without the old two steps forward one step back routine.

my eyes...

2007-02-11T18:18:00.000-08:00

to see...to understand...to know...

San Francisco Bay...

2007-02-09T07:29:00.000-08:00

Mercury20 February show

2007-02-08T21:33:00.000-08:00

Albany bulb...

2007-02-07T16:24:00.000-08:00

Originally uploaded by aikithereska.

I spent a few hours with my folks today...taking them shopping and having lunch. Since I always have cameras with me, I thought I might head to Golden Gate park and do some double exposures over at the Conservatory of flowers. However, by the time I had mom and dad safely back at home, I felt exhausted.

Driving home the sky grew more interesting and something about the music I was listening to gave me a second wind...and a desire to stop and shoot. After spending good half hour wandering around the AIbany waterfront, I went through two rolls of film and twenty or so digital frames.

It fascinates me the way the mind works and how very much influence it has over physical energy level... And now...I'm ready for a nap (the rain has finally started in earnest).

My day via camera phone...

2007-02-07T15:57:00.001-08:00

Note to self: put some bandaids in camera bag!

free film!!

2007-02-06T07:06:00.000-08:00

Several months ago, I read about a free film offer from Kodak, in one of the film groups I belong to on flickr. Every once in a while I'd see some posting about "I got my film today!!" I'd nearly given up and completely forgotten about it, but it came yesterday!! How cool to get something for free :)

movement...

2007-02-05T22:32:00.000-08:00

seaweed...

2007-02-05T15:01:00.000-08:00

I dreamt I was drowning
Entagled in a kelp forest
Struggling to break free

Until I realized...
Relaxing

I could let my own buoyancy
Lift me to the surface
To the light

papaya

2007-02-05T09:48:00.000-08:00

Grounding...

2007-02-04T10:19:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot about beliefs lately. More accurately, I've been pondering my aversion to beliefs and belief systems. It's been my assumption that rigid beliefs can be less than productive, if not damaging.

Well, on the other hand, through my own experience...I'm coming to realize that the lack of a framework that I can just sink into in my life, isn't helpful either. A belief can be more like an idea, a philosophy or guidelines that help me to get by in this seemingly chaotic and sometimes heartbreaking world. It doesn't have to be rigid to offer a grounded place from which to live a full and satisfying life. It doesn't have to be right or wrong by anyone else's standards but the individual practicitioner.

I attended a performace by KODO last night...the internationally known taiko performance group from Japan. What really struck me was their unabashed JOY and extension of energy! It's quite obvious that their art is their belief and their framework for life (at least one of them)...given the intensity of what they do, I can't see it any other way. I aspire to such joy and integrity.

More prayer flags...

2007-02-02T12:46:00.000-08:00

...because you can never have too many...

Changes...

2007-01-31T16:55:00.000-08:00

So much has happened in the past year or so, that it's hard to keep track. So much keeps happening, that it's easy to lose sight of the big picture.

Every once in a while it's good to regroup, to see things as they are and to appreciate the good stuff, both within and without. Aging is proving to be a challenge, mostly with regard to my own image and appreciation of myself. It's hard to get old in a culture that so idealizes the young. At the same time, I know better...

I've been having a couple trouble areas in my body. Mechanical and physiological issues that have become chronic. While visiting my acupuncturist (who really doubles as my therapist), I came to realize the conflict I'm coming up against. On the one hand, I know and appreciate my changes as they all make me what I am and also are the sum parts of my experience which give me my own wisdom. On the other hand, I've become overly influenced by society's standards of beauty and worth...in a totally subconscious way.

It all boils down to me living my beliefs...which I don't feel I've been doing very well lately. (Ummmm...this is kind of simplifying things...but that's okay...)

One thing good about being alive...you can always make new efforts and you CAN change in whatever way you're able... I'm grateful to be alive...

Therapy...

2007-01-28T08:29:00.000-08:00

I realized something this morning...that the use of my camera and my ability to express myself through the lens is a tangible form of emotional therapy. While feeling sad and confused, I picked up my camera...and as I looked at the sky, and my flags and a vase of daffodils, my heart opened and I was able to loosen my grip on the thoughts and feelings that were affecting my mood. It might not always last...this shift...but for the time the camera is in my hands, it helps me to see and feel things differently...

Jizo in the tree...

2007-01-26T15:01:00.000-08:00

...

2007-01-22T09:23:00.000-08:00

Our sweetest songs are those that tell of saddest thought.

- Percy Bysshe Shelley -

Great Art and Great Dharma

2007-01-19T05:52:00.000-08:00

The artist's dilemma and the meditator's are, in a deep sense, equivalent. Both are repeatedly willing to confront an unknown and to risk a response that they cannot predict or control. Both are disciplined in skills that allow them to remain focused on their task and to express their response in a way that will illuminate the dilemma they share with others.
And both are liable to similar outcomes. The artist's work is prone to be derivative, a variation on the style of a great master or established school. The meditator's response might tend to be dogmatic, a variation on the words of a hallowed tradition or revered teacher. There is nothing wrong with such responses. But we recognize their secondary nature, their failure to reach the peaks of primary imaginative creation. Great Art and Great Dharma both give rise to something that has never quite been imagined before. Artist and meditator alike ultimately aspire to an original act.

--Stephen Batchelor, Tricycle: The Buddhist Review, Vol. IV, #2

Prayer flags...

2007-01-18T09:27:00.000-08:00

prayers...shadows of prayers...

Just because...

2007-01-16T17:08:00.000-08:00

Sometimes...

2007-01-14T10:32:00.000-08:00

...it's better not to say anything...

Mercury 20...

2007-01-11T22:17:00.000-08:00

I was gallery sitting today and took the opportunity to take some phonecam pictures of our current show.

And so it goes...

2007-01-11T10:13:00.000-08:00

I never thought that pursuing art as a vocation (for lack of a better word) would bring up so many issues. But I guess it's like anything else than an individual follows with a passion, those things will always bring up what needs to be examined and worked through.

I've recently found myself in a very strange, and what seems contradictory, space. That is, I'm struggling to produce in physical form my vision...although my experience is probably a better term for it...and running into stumbling blocks. These blocks take the form of necessary, rudimentary skill building/refining and the more ambiguous "creative flow." At the SAME time I get a very deep and real sense that I AM making progress and that I can indeed be successful. The odd thing is, and maybe it's the conflict in general that causes this, the feelings of being successful (and, btw, success is relative...I'm speaking of my own idea of success) make me want to sit down and cry!!

Perhaps the tears aren't necessarily "bad"...and in general I don't feel that way about any emotion...but it's just...weird.

So...I remain for the time being in a sort of reclusive place in some sense...trying to process all that's going on. My greatest challenge is to keep doing what I'm doing with as little judgment as possible. As with aikido, this is the crux of the matter for me...they're both very right brained pursuits...and thinking/judging only gets in the way...

I lost my keys today...

2007-01-10T20:22:00.000-08:00

A while ago I lost my credit card... I can't deny a nagging feeling that there's a lesson here for me that has to do with allowance, flexibility and, well, letting go. Either that and/or I just need to pay more attention!!

Santa Cruz...

2007-01-06T19:14:00.000-08:00

Spent the day driving down, hanging out and driving back with several teenagers...

I spent a lot of time shooting pictures.

Sometimes...

2007-01-02T17:49:00.000-08:00

...the path is almost too lonely to bear. And the top of the hill seems to continually recede just beyond grasp. The steps are hard to take, even if the surroundings are quiet, beautiful...and all you want to do is sit down and not move anywhere...

A new year approaches...

2006-12-31T12:31:00.000-08:00

Probably one of the most encouraging and comforting quotes I've read in a while:

The Daily Dharma

December 30, 2006

Being a Buddhist

Have confidence in your own spiritual potentiality, your ability to find your own unique way. Learn from others certainly and use what you find useful, but also learn to trust your own inner wisdom. Have courage. Be awake and aware. Remember too that Buddhism is not about being a Buddhist; that is, obtaining a new identity tag. Nor is it about collecting head-knowledge, practices and techniques. It is ultimately about letting go of all forms and concepts and becoming free.

--John Snelling, Elements of Buddhism

Time passes...

2006-12-29T13:53:00.004-08:00

I noticed this morning that not only is my hair getting longer but the ranks of gray strands seem to be steadily increasing. Maybe it's because I'm too tired to fight it...but it's really okay with me. In fact, I kind of like it. There's a random chaos to my hair color at this point in my life, which seems to echo the changes going on inside. More than that, though, I like to think the mixture is a representation of my own uniqueness, my growing into myself as I age...becoming not only the person I always wanted to be, but exactly who I am. If that makes sense at all....

Christmastime...

2006-12-28T08:10:00.000-08:00

As quickly as it seemed to arrive...it passed...

It was kind of different this year...odd in a way...but oh well, sometimes things just are.

Clearing out...

2006-12-26T11:16:00.000-08:00

...making room for the New Year...

I can feel it already, the urge to re-dedicate myself to worthwhile intentions and let go of energy sappers (whatever form they may take). This time of year brings a palpable energy quality to the idea of starting fresh. I'm very much looking forward to 2007.

Merry Christmas...

2006-12-25T10:57:00.000-08:00

Now we can relax...*sigh*

Julian's gift to me...a very cool book on Holga photography. What could be more perfect?

Happy holidays everyone...

Wishes...

2006-12-24T08:58:00.000-08:00

May we all experience the love, joy and warmth of the season in these holidays. And may we see only good things in the new year!!

I have to get busy...in fact I should be starting on dough and soup and other things right now. Just taking a moment to note and send out good vibes of the season.

Happy holidays to all!!

Happy...

2006-12-23T11:57:00.000-08:00

Happy Holidays...

2006-12-22T07:51:00.000-08:00

The next few days will see a flurry of activity. Final shopping/wrapping, cleaning, and food preparation for the main Christmas meal, which for us is Christmas eve. It finally feels like there's a little momentum at work now, so for that I'm grateful!

It's been a very significant year in our household. Kids into college, high school, my work out in the public, my first trip by myself to a place I didn't know (granted to visit folks I know) and personal observation of all the changes going on internally as well (both physiologically and psychologically). All that being said, after the holidays are past, I'll be ready for at least a little downtime. And by downtime, I mean focused downtime...not the excuse for downtime I've been known to give myself!

So...if you don't see anything here for a few days...you will eventually. Have a wonderful and blessed holiday season...may your days and nights be filled with warmth, light and love...

Winter Solstice...

2006-12-21T08:35:00.000-08:00

On this, the darkest day of the year, I offer a memory and a vision of the light and warmth that will come again. Everything changes...back and forth and back and forth...that seems to be the only constant.

Wishing you all a wonderful Solstice...may yours be filled with warmth and light, whatever the source...

This morning...

2006-12-20T10:00:00.000-08:00

Alone...

2006-12-20T08:08:00.000-08:00

Frost...

2006-12-19T09:14:00.000-08:00

Probably the closest thing we get to snow in the bay area.

Almost winter...

2006-12-18T06:46:00.000-08:00

I had wanted to upload this image to my new flickr photostream. After two tries and no go (sometimes that happens there), I decided to reflect a bit about whether I actuallly wanted it there...

Well, yes, I wanted it there because I knew it would get attention. I also knew that if it drew folks to the photostream, they also might look at the other images (which, imo, are typically less well received in online format than in physical reality). It didn't take long to realize I was falling into the same trap I had before...posting for views instead of for my intent, which is to represent the body of work as genuinely as I can.

Yeah, it's making more out the situation than I should, I suppose. There is little in life I do, however, without reflection on motivation, intent and the energy that surrounds the action. I'm not 100% about it, but for the most part I make daily efforts at mindfulness and introspection, so...

Here is that picture...in all its glory...I happen to really like it.

Sunday...

2006-12-17T10:32:00.000-08:00

Well, Christmas Eve is only one week away...and I've done next to nothing with regard to preparation!! I HAVE gotten the tree up...and a few decorations...a couple batches of cookies made...but that feels like a drop in the bucket. Add to that I've just gotten word of another possible venue for my work, so I'm already trying to figure out how to get my foot in the door there. Fortunately, rank testing in aikido is postponed until March, so that's a help.

Still...despite the self imposed (or culturally imposed) pressure of the season, I'm doing okay...feeling pretty good about things in general. I've much to be thankful for. It's been a good year.

Aw, nuts...

2006-12-16T11:12:00.000-08:00

Well, really, I'm so pleased with the close up filters I'm using with the Holga. It combines that wonderful, detailed view of things I love so well, with the out of focus edges and blurring unique to this camera.

Another gray and cold day. It was even a little numbing to be out in the park for aikido practice this morning (but practice always ends up being a plus, so I didn't mind). I don't know that it will rain for sure...but there's a chance. A good day for more indoor activities...and there are plenty tasks to work on.

Winter sun...

2006-12-15T10:05:00.000-08:00

Finally we're getting a little today, after about three days of clouds, rain and fog. Not that I minded the gray too much, and I definitely enjoyed the rain, but I could use the rays at this point.

The new photostream is coming together. It's more cohesive and consistent artistically than my original stream. In some ways it seems long overdue, but the truth is I wasn't quite sure how to go about it before.

Sax Quintet...Christmas song

2006-12-14T22:14:00.000-08:00

'Tis the season...

2006-12-14T12:16:00.000-08:00

December not only brings the celebrations of the holidays, but also awareness of the year's end and a certain introspective mindset. Evaluating the past twelve months I can see so many things that I'm grateful for and very little for which I feel regret. I consider that a real blessing.

Even the recent glitch with my flickr photostream...at the time seemingly catastrophic...has opened up a new space for me to move into. I only wish that in the moment of crisis I could see a little beyond and not become so emotionally charged. Then again, without those strong feelings and energy, perhaps the eruption of new ideas wouldn't take place. Once again...it's all good.

So...we move on into the Christmas season. The decorating is getting done...piecemeal. Cookies are baked and plans are being made for the holiday meals. I'm not so into it as I once was...although it's more a matter of every year learning to let go of the things that are less than necessary and relax a little into the warmth and light.

And really, that's what it's all about...the warmth and light and love. That sounds really corny, but I've always felt the truth in this. There is a feeling in the heart chakra I experience at this time of year, that is different than at any other. The sharing and love are so palpable that at times it's almost overwhelming...

I wish everyone a very wonderful and blessed season, whatever tradition you follow.

Happy Holidays...

2006-12-13T23:18:00.000-08:00

Rainy December day...

2006-12-12T14:39:00.000-08:00

I spent the morning here, moving my operations from the little greenhouse room (as we call it), to the living room where it's warmer today, both in temperature and ambiance. Some concerns I was having over the holidays eased up as I ordered a few online gifts. I had hoped to send out homemade parcels for Christmas, but being that time is marching forward at a much faster pace than I am, this makes me feel better about getting a few things out in time.

The images below are a couple I was reviewing in my warm and comfy digs this morning as well. The close up filters work remarkably well with the Holga and when the light is just right, I'm so loving the expression of the winter garden with this combination. Almost all the leaves are gone now, yet a few narcissus are making an early appearance. Garden/nature and Holga quality work very, very well together in my opinion.

And art seems to lead to life (or maybe they're one in the same).... As the season rapidly moves on and the year comes to an end, introspective thoughts seem to be the norm. It's been a good year, a busy one, one with some rather profound growth experiences. One of these days I'll have a little more patience to express my thoughts on these matters...mainly because I know very well they're not unique to me...but also because it helps me work through the process. Perhaps one of the really startling realizations that comes when sifting through all the experience, is how in the end I am not as separate as I might think... I'll leave it at that for today....

San Francisco bay sunset...

2006-12-10T20:50:00.000-08:00

surrender...

2006-12-10T08:47:00.000-08:00

I'm tired...and a bit overwhelmed.

light

2006-12-06T21:35:00.000-08:00

, originally uploaded by aikitherese.

Brownie Hawkeye Flash...

2006-12-04T08:23:00.000-08:00

The camera and film used to create this image are both nearly half century old. I wonder if fifty years from now, someone will be able to use a 2006 digital camera and memory card to create an image...

Film is still standing the test of time...at least in the art world.

A window to winter, a time to pull in and introspect. What has the year offered? What have I offered the year? How to move through the difficulties, the heartache...how to let go and not cling to the joy, but appreciate the appearance it makes from time to time?

evening...

2006-12-02T22:59:00.000-08:00

transience...

2006-11-29T08:50:00.000-08:00

...

2006-11-27T13:28:00.000-08:00

Narcissus blooming
It's the wrong time of the year
Sometimes life's like that

harmonium...

2006-11-27T09:16:00.000-08:00

Although it's a lovely instrument with a very sweet tone, I need to unload this. It belongs to a time and space in my life that I no longer inhabit. Quite frankly, the money potentially garnered from its sale would be better served towards the purchase of a new digital camera.

And what time and space do I now inhabit? Much of the time, I'm just not sure. But I've come to the conclusion that it's better to be unsure and uncertain and accept such feelings, than be less than genuine with rigid beliefs.

Crescent moon...

2006-11-24T20:15:00.000-08:00

, originally uploaded by aikitherese.

neither here nor there...

2006-11-22T16:10:00.000-08:00

Forest floor...

2006-11-20T07:15:00.000-08:00

Leaves falling like tears
The vibrance of summer passed
Waiting for the spring

Sunday...

2006-11-19T10:45:00.000-08:00

More than a year ago. I left this film without processing for a long time...I didn't even remember what was on it. Funny to find this... How have I changed in this time? What do I know now that I didn't know then?

...

2006-11-17T11:05:00.000-08:00

Three dots...used often by me, when there are no words to fill in that space. At the same time, that space is very full...full of meaning, of emotion.

A picture of beauty...a picture of heartache...contained within the same frame. A sweet sadness... Life is what it is...and it's most frequently everything, all rolled together...

About a boy...

2006-11-15T10:46:00.000-08:00

Tea in the garden...

2006-11-15T10:45:00.000-08:00

Japanese Tea Garden...

2006-11-12T20:45:00.000-08:00

No one ever told me...

2006-11-11T12:31:00.000-08:00

...that life could feel so complicated. Who knew that I could go through so many mental and emotional gymnastics, while totally distancing myself from the moment? I never imagined that all my reading and knowledge could prove so ineffective against my ingrained tendencies and conditioned responses to life... Bleh...

Crisis...artistic, emotional, menopausal (yeah, that fits in there too)... Somehow, writing about it helps... Perhaps those letters and words emerging on a screen (or paper even) make the thoughts more tangible. Perhaps in forming that tangible base, the parts that are more ethereal, slippery, lacking true substance, are seen for what they are...just that. Maybe I'm just a little mixed up right now...

I have a hard time, even in the midst of crisis, especially when presenting to, well, whomever might actually read this...to end on a sour note. The truth is, I do feel that things will be...OK...that life is just what it is (even while I sometimes squirm at letting it be that way, and put up a great internal struggle). There is too much beauty, compassion and love in the world, to see it otherwise.

...

2006-11-11T12:21:00.000-08:00

thisiswhatisee

Meager accomplishments...

Photo mania...

Jazzschool concert...

...

...

A beautiful morning...

A decent day...

Mixed holiday metaphors?

Mysterious...

Monday...

quiet...

Before Easter...

Piling it on...

mother/daughter

journey

power

more...

California spring...

two as one...

*sigh*...

Fixing food...

Pansies...

Green tea and seeds...

Choosing beauty...

19 years old...

It's that time...

Folsom Lake mountain bike race...

Into a new season...

New growth...

A lama feeding the cows...

Mountain Bike Race...

Subtlety...

Jazzschool Studio Band

Paczki...

The body holga...

Solitude...

my eyes...

San Francisco Bay...

Mercury20 February show

Albany bulb...

My day via camera phone...

free film!!

movement...

seaweed...

papaya

Grounding...

More prayer flags...

Changes...

Therapy...

Jizo in the tree...

...

Great Art and Great Dharma

Prayer flags...

Just because...

Sometimes...

Mercury 20...

And so it goes...

I lost my keys today...

Santa Cruz...

Sometimes...

A new year approaches...

Time passes...

Christmastime...

Clearing out...

Merry Christmas...

Wishes...

Happy...

Happy Holidays...

Winter Solstice...

This morning...

Alone...

Frost...

Almost winter...

Sunday...

Aw, nuts...

Winter sun...

Sax Quintet...Christmas song

'Tis the season...

Happy Holidays...

sigh...